I have to try my best to make anything under control.
Endless quarantine in such a modern city is ridiculous. I have never felt so powerless ever since I was born.
Beforehand, I led my satisfying slow-paced life here, dreaming of my profound future of artificial intelligence, with which I could perhaps change the world. My parents, kind and open-minded, were fully supportive of every decision I made. My mentor told me to calm down every time I do research, and I believed I could be able to achieve my life goals in the field of academics. Everyone votes for a path for me to go for a Ph.D., as long as I am patient. But I am frustrated.
Last time when replying to the question what difficulties do you face now, I came up with a fake answer. Because I felt so much power in myself. The only plausible difficulty I could recall was that I am afraid of how to cope with stupid situations like COVID-19. But then I found this situation EVER-LASTING. My homework started to pile up, my plan of sleeping early fucked off, I am overwhelmed by those damn political and joke-like shits every day, and I could not spare time to continue doing my research, which was supposed to be finished in a few months. What’s worse, this is the first time I observed a sense of disappointment and anxiety in the eye of my mom, my grandma, and my family. And what about my revered professors? They can’t escape this disaster either. Where is my future? What about my future? I have no idea in answering that.
Some said that it is painful if one does not know what to do next. This is damn true. One of my roommates suffered from depression last semester, which was really a huge impact on me. He came to our major, with a high GPA and honors, aiming to be a top student. But he totally failed. He did not know how to deal with the complex algorithms in our class. He sacrificed his sleep time to study but failed to understand anything. He lost himself. Compared with him, I am flamboyant with my coursework. And I do have a dream, and it is a big one, big enough to cover the essence of the universe. But I do not know how to reach it. I do not have a sense of control either. It is said that a normal person should first build up his career before talking about his elusive dreams. True. Life is short, too short to make a difference, and I have to admit that. And adults always face defeat, just like Manchester United. I have to accept that too.
And I am seriously reconsidering the possibility of being a psychologist. Perhaps the grass is always greener on the other side. Who knows? But I do need to gain more hands-on knowledge about reality first. This should definitely begin with my first full-time job. I am going for a JOB!
I feel as if I am gradually regaining control of my future. The only hypothesis is that I could find a job. And it is well-paid. So god damn please do not ruin my imagination.